The truth behind a happy marriage
Have you ever hidden the price tag so that your spouse cannot know what you are spending?
Or what did you hide for your children?
Or are you silent about being attracted to someone?
If yes, well, you are not alone.
Every marriage counselor on the planet will tell you that loyalty is the root of this deadliest in-law relationship, although there is a reality that the divorce rate continues to be around 42%.
We start to wonder, what is the truth in people’s marriage?
American Reader’s Digest polls have designed very rare questions to ask married people.
Here is their survey.
What is the topic of non-compliance among spouses?
The most surprising part of this poll is that married people want to talk, especially husbands; women have a lot of regrets that their husbands don’t talk to them enough.
Tests show that men suddenly add something deeper than exercise or money-but they don’t know how to say it.
Among men, the largest group (38%) wanted more affection and tenderness from their partners; they said they were not not planning to discuss sexual issues.
”Men are not expected to expect feelings,” said Dr. Juliet Gottman, a psychologist who co-founded the Seattle Gottman Association and the Marriage Clinic with her husband, Dr. John Gottman. “They feel men want to be embraced by careThe request is a bit feminine.
“The generation from the Second World War to the 1950s and 1960s-at a time when they were thirty-six or forty-six years old, this was a big issue.
Boston psychotherapist Terence Riel said, “Men are still following the same procedure, and it is also a problem.
And that made them avoid intimacy.
But women are now strong enough to want more intimacy than ever before.
“30% of men want them to be open to worrying about spiritual or spiritual matters with their wives.” That really moved me, “John Gottman said.” It highlights how we live, weWhat’s the value.
For men, these are necessarily difficult.
“26% of men and women want their partner to” ask me questions about myself “.
”I married a man who kept his mouth shut, which really hurt our relationship.
“-Said his wife who has been married for 10 years.
”We try to spend a lot of time together, and I think that’s where many people don’t do more.
-Said the wife who has been married for 37 years.
What is the most secret to keep?
Have the respondents kept secrets of their spouses?
Yes, 42% of men and 36% of women think so.
The survey results suggest that people born in the 1950s and 1960s and those with the highest incomes are more obscured. “When someone feels that there is not a little time to talk to the heart, they are always busy, busy, busy,Trust is also broken.
Those who have been married the longest are also more confidential.
What is the most common secret and non-publicity topic?
48% of men and women acknowledge that they keep secrets.
This is a surprising number.
Experts say there is a question of sincerity and trust, with men and women mostly lying about money.
Yet another common secret is about the behavior and conduct of children, with 18% of wives keeping secrets towards women’s husbands.
The most amazing and sad survey result was that 20% of men concealed job failures.
“Male self-esteem is an important thing,” said New York psychologist Scott Weizler.
Surprisingly, 6% of men and 3% of women also concealed the secret of eating disorders. ”I don’t want to tell him how much I spent on shopping, and I worry he will cut back on his budget.
-Said the wife who had been married for 43 years.
Does your spouse know your previous love life?
It is normal to be curious about your partner’s past sexual history.
So how much do spouses say about it?
62% of women replied, yes, he knew everything; 52% of men only revealed some Chen Guzi’s rotten sesame seeds, and another 38% of men said their wives knew only a little bit.
Only 10% of men and 5% of women said their partner knew nothing about the past.
Experts say that knowing that past events have nothing to do with marriage happiness.
“Whether or not to believe a person is a feeling, although you feel you have to know everything about them,” Wizenler said.
But in fact, the most important thing is that you have to believe everything.
“The outside influence has an impact on even the happiest combinations, with 19% of men and 10% of women keeping secrets about how they attract each other.
In addition, 8% of men are also tight-lipped about their habit of seeing etiquette in the air.
”In the beginning, we told each other everything, I think, curiosity.
“-Said the husband who has been married for 20 years.
”We never discuss what happened before we got married.
We were very young then.
-Said the husband who married for 56 years.
”A few months after we got married, his past girlfriend sent him a Christmas card, a really sentimental card.
I put it on TV so he could watch it for a year.
We make fun of each other about this.
-Said the wife who has been married for 22 years.
Do husbands and wives share their dreams with each other?
One in five said they had a secret dream, but never told their partner.
Juliet Gottman said, “Dreaming the deepest part of ourselves, our partners need to feel sufficiently emotionally secure before sharing them.
This statistic tells us that one in five marriages is not in a safe haven.
“More than 56% of silent dreamers, especially those who have been married less than 5 years, are eager to travel with their partner-but surprisingly, they don’t mention it to each other.
53% of those who have a dream of living elsewhere, 42% of those who travel on their own, 41% of those who start a new career, 21% of those who are alone, 14% of those who have extramarital affairs or failed extramarital affairs10% of a puppy.
Why don’t we lower these things?
“Terror dreams like this are extremely threatening.
That’s what John Gottman said, “I’m not sure the way we are living is exactly what I want”, people think, “If I tell you this feeling, you will hit the ceiling.
“These findings suggest the advice of Rhode Island psychiatrist Peter Kelmer: We should be more relaxed and flexible in thinking about the way we marry.
”I always want to sing very professionally (does her husband know?
) He knows I like singing, but, no . “-said his wife who has been married for 12 years.
Do you still want to get married?
Investigators asked if they ever expected to wake up in the morning or suddenly . never want to get married again.
16% of men and women said: Yes.
“The significance of this answer is,” said Vizell, “because it is difficult to jump out of marriage, these people do not want to admit their dissatisfaction.
But Kelmer disagreed: “This fantasy is not a sign that your relationship has closed up trouble.
It is exactly saying that marriage is so difficult. ”
So this is the important thing: do you want to say everything? ”Yes, expect it, absolutely, let it go, good or bad.
“Said an old sailor with a successful 40-year marriage.
A 33-year-old wife said: Say what you can say until you feel that “I don’t want to live that kind of life anymore”, and stop quickly.
Another woman consultant objected to telling everything: “When you do all this, you are no longer you.
“So there are three different perspectives here.
Kelmer said, “A perfect marriage is not based on saying everything that bothers you the most. Some of the things that cause it can only panic.
“Gutman couples who studied 3,000 couples who have been married for more than 20 years, cruel honesty is not always appropriate.
Before you can start a difficult conversation, you need to have a very close friendship foundation: “When you have something unpleasant to say”, Mr. Gottman said, “beginning when a mood is better thanIt would be good at low points.
He said, maybe the first step is to try to find out what your spouse is thinking.
(The error rate for this poll is 2.
The respondents were 1,000 spouses over the age of 18, half male and female.
The spouses were not questioned together.
) The couples communicate too little!
Around my life, I often hear various tragedies and comedies of marriage.
One day, one of my American students was absently attending a class and came to me with a sad expression, saying that his wife suddenly broke up with him and he felt that life would start again. This was not a good thing because he was too busy: to manage一家电脑公司，要学中文，要练太极拳，要旅行，要爬山，要……“那你为什么不匀出时间‘要’和你妻子好好聊聊呢？”I asked him.
“Yeah, we did communicate too little, usually on our own, and found that there was no room for manoeuvre.
“Yes, in today’s fast-paced life, some people run for money all the time, but few people think about running for emotions.
The issues discussed here are also issues that we encounter or care about in our lives. I hope readers can learn from them.